The Bucket


Despite the apparent aridity of the environment I can say with some degree of certainty that the likelihood of this four legged surfer removing his wetsuit from the line in bone dry condition for an early one, is minimal at best.

Let’s take a look at this scene. Firstly there is the surfer with his flash stripy wetsuit.There is something in that quadruped’s stance that suggests a tautness, impatience… an urgency. This guy does n’t like to wait too long. He has chucked his wettie into the van with no thought for it’s condition or state. He surfed the afternoon before he set off on the surf trip so inevitably it is still wet. Now he has arrived at the hallowed surf spot and found suitably meagre accommodation. He has unpacked his stuff, talked more bollox with his mates and even had a few to drink before thinking about the unpleasant prospect of getting into his wetsuit tomorrow at first crack.

Secondly there is the wetsuit bucket in which said garment has been stowed for the trip. This receptacle is perfectly configured to retain all moistness whilst embellishing the wetsuit with other even less pleasing characteristic’s. It is made of plastic and is 20 years old. The colour is fading and the cooking oil decal on the outside has long since disappeared.The wire handle hangs partially detached because the plastic retaining lugs have snapped due the action of UV over the years. It is the contents of the bucket though that are the problem. Small stones are mixed liberally with wet suit boots, gloves, wax, leashes,swim fins, skegs, swim goggles, bits of twine, sprigs of hawthorne and fern, mesh bags and a twat cap. Finally and most concerningly the contents rest in two inches of liquor. The precise recipe of which is indiscernible. All I know is that it has a light brown cloudy appearance and is known to contain all of the  matter listed  below and many other unknown substances.

  • Rainwater
  • Quadruped urine
  • Cow dung
  • Sand (of many hues)
  • Rainwater
  • ‘Mates’ urine
  • Wax flakes
  • Mud

When the wetsuit is placed in amongst this stew and left to pickle even for a short time the result is an odorous garment that seems to retain a curiously persistent form of damp. If left for a longer period it will start to breakdown and will retain a smell for the rest of it’s unfortunate life.

Thirdly there are the obviously deteriorating weather conditions. The sky was clear of clouds and blue beyond belief when our friend finished his journey. Now as the evening draws in a fog starts to coalesce along the coast. By nightfall the fog will turn to  persistent rain. It will rain for the rest of the trip.

Fourthly the washing line is threadbare and will break under the weight of the sodden suit. This will happen in the small hours. The suit will land in a muddy puddle.

Fifthly there is the suit itself. Our friend, god love him, bought it last year at the local surf boutique. Immediately taken in by ‘Quikbongs’ marketing blurb and  asinine marketing techniques, it was only a question of what colour to get after 30 seconds of browsing. Our hero , for whom it has to be said, likes some attention was drawn to the black and white stripped suit like a moth to the fatal candle. Questions of stitching , neoprene quality and robust manufacture never enter our four legged friend’s handsome head. A year on and the consistent ill treatment has taken its toll. The wetsuit has turned to loosely connected rags.

Lastly and puzzingly our boy’s land lady is hanging it up for him.

”Why would she do such a thing?” I hear you cry.

Well as I said he is a handsome fellow……there is another tale about to unfold.