Reasons Why Poms Should Not Surf

Robert Lenkiewicz 2

Fellow blogger, talented teller of a yarn, surf savant and all round good bloke Mr Peter Bowes recently set out this challenge. I summoned up all my negativity and dived in. The old guy was right . It did hurt.

It’s done now.Over to you Peter.

  1. It is very cold.
  2. Large parts of the coastline get no swell.
  3. You cannot surf and smoke a pipe at the same time.
  4. The predominant winds are onshore in the most popular surfing areas.
  5. Our skin suffers blocthiness, burning and peels when the sun shows.
  6. You cannot get kegged in two foot wind swell.
  7. There is a ‘seaside culture’.
  8. Other nations drop in on us when we travel.
  9. Pom’s chuck their wax wrappers on beaches, in lay bys, on the streets and down any hole they can find.
  10. The wind doth blow.
  11. The motorway network.
  12. Poms have a poor competitive record against other nations.
  13. There are more banks in most high streets than on some of our beaches.
  14. It is very cold.
  15. Putsbourgh.
  16. Our ‘North Shore’ is near the Arctic Circle and is dark and covered with snow for a portion of the year.
  17. Our lady surfers are encased in black rubber for most of the year. (Some of our ex public school boy surfers see this as a bonus).
  18. Ireland is ‘in the way’.
  19. A Pom pisses in his wetsuit out of necessity, not pleasure.
  20. The activity is done standing up.
  21. It is very cold.
  22. Beach side carpark attendants who collect even when you have got in for the early before work.You know who you are!
  23. Pollution on an epic scale.
  24. Evil crowds from the Smoke and other inland places.
  25. Peer pressure.
  26. A world shortage of tweed wetsuits.
  27. The summer months are characterized by only more rain.
  28. There is more chaffing in these islands.
  29. The Bournemouth artificial reef.
  30. Few world class breaks.
  31. Pom’s do n’t support and value their shapers (enough).
  32. British Summer Time (BST). We live in enforced darkness for evening upon evening.
  33. It is very cold.
  34. Too few river mouth breaks.
  35. Our surf brands are ‘domestic’.
  36. The liquor at the bottom of a Pom’s wet suit bucket typically contains-rainwater, urine (human and animal), cow dung. sand,wax, mud and dead plant matter.
  37. The ocean is rarely blue and clear in many locations.
  38. Dowdy seaside resorts.
  39. The coast (east coast) with the preponderance of quality reef breaks has a small swell window.
  40. Unskilled canoeists.
  41. It’s not an activity for the obese.
  42. It is very cold.
  43. Combined sewer overflows.
  44.  An English man’s home is his ipod/bmw/alcho pop/soap opera/x-box/wii/ready meal/super market/government scheme/fast food joint/x factor/smart phone.
  45. The UK has less sunshine hours than Oregon.
  46. Few skate pools/bowls close to beaches.
  47. RNLI – beach safety through the power of PR and the waverunner. What was that bump?
  48. Too many grumpy old surfers.
  49. It’s very cold.
  50. It’s very cold.

Painting of tramp by Robert Lenkiewicz.